In order to move beyond what is for some people a paralysing event, marking the grief can help.Ī new quality standard from Nice aims to improve the care of women who have a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy in early pregnancy. I needed to find a way to make sense of it. But for many, including me, the logic and the emotion did not run in parallel. The Miscarriage Association says “there should be no shoulds”: if you don’t feel like dwelling on the loss of something that, in the case of early pregnancy loss, could not have survived outside your body that is of course fine. Yet George Bush shocked the US public when he recalled in his 2010 memoir how his mother miscarried and he travelled with her to the hospital afterwards, the foetus in a jar. Disney’s Up tackles the issue wordlessly, while artist Frida Kahlo’s pain is clear for all to see in Henry Ford hospital. Jay-Z dealt with Beyoncé’s miscarriage in the song Glory, while Ed Sheeran’s Small Bump deals with the aftermath of a miscarriage. In a world where it is unremarkable for men to bawl after losing a football match, a Facebook feed can mourn a deceased pet, and sobbing seems a prerequisite for a successful television show, how is it this issue is still taboo for most of us? The wanted child that never was, who leaves behind such an enormous void of missed plans. So many stories reflect the intangible nature of grieving for an early miscarriage. She cannot return to certain cafes because that is where she used the toilets, and the memories horrify her. Like many of the women, Lisa felt she had no right to mourn or dwell on something that had happened so early in a pregnancy.Īnother woman spoke of her distress at having a first trimester miscarriage while visiting a particular town. “I felt like a chicken laying eggs – as if I was silly to worry as another one will be along in a minute.” She feels angry at what she feels is insensitive medical language used by NHS staff at various times during treatment for her miscarriages. Lisa has had five miscarriages, and is now the mother of a three-year-old boy. She had never spoken of it before, but the anniversary of this loss left her stricken, unable to leave the house for the weekend until recently, six years later. She miscarried after 10 weeks, a pregnancy that was followed by years of IVF treatment. “I kept it in a drawer wrapped in tissues,” one woman told me. Often people shared details they had never told anyone before. Ruth Bender-Atik, head of the Miscarriage Association, says such events can be “especially important for those who have no other markers of these tiny lives”.Īfter my article was published, many people commented online and told me their stories in person for months afterwards. ![]() Backed by several leading charities, a week of events are planned starting from Thursday for those affected by miscarriage and stillbirth. ![]() The Miscarriage Association is calling for a national conversation about baby loss in the run-up to International Baby Loss Awareness Day on 15 October.
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